i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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