my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
