He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
