What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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