awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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