Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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