alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
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