it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
