i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
