Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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