OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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