Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
