My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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