It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
