...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Such a big mess for such a small penis
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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