She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
