We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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