Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
