you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
how does that bad decision feel?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
