I feel like I'm in dance class right now
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
