i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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