She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
