is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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