Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
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