Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
