Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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