Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
