Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
