I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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