I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
