tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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