I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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