it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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