Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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