we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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