we have pet lesbian snakes
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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