I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
high people should be assigned attendants
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
