i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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