I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
