am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Randomize
