ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
