Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
