Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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