Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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