Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize