I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
That accounts for only three of the penises
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
