the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Its about making memories worth repressing
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
