so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
