We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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