Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
