Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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