i was born a porn star she said
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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