3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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