Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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