you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
