I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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